Recently, I have been thinking about forgiveness and its place in mediation and resolving issues. I have to admit, it’s not a word I would or even could use with my clients. Deciding to forgive is a very personal decision.

Initially, when people come to mediation, they are in a difficult place where they often can’t communicate directly with each other. They are very determined in their thinking and stuck in the state of mind where they can’t move forward.

For the opportunity to arise where forgiveness might emerge, people need to be willing to listen to each other and communication needs to build. In order to begin communication and to be willing to reconcile and come to an agreement, it can be useful to think about the following:

• What’s really important to you and what are the priorities right now?

• How you want your future to look in terms of the relationship with the other person or how it might be impacting others around you and what really is best?

• Do you have the full story? Are you willing to listen to the other perspectives to gain a better understanding of the situation?

• Thinking about the alternatives? What happens if you don’t move past it and let go of it? What impact is that going to have on you and those around you?

If people don’t come into the process with the right intentions and open mind set, then even if they do come to an agreement, they are unlikely to stick to it in the long term.

Conditional forgiveness vs. inner peace

In the legal process, the focus is on having a strong case, often accompanied with blame and denial. There is little room for forgiveness, unless you want to hurt your economic interests. Sometimes, people end up more angry and less forgiving than when they started the process.

I often hear, “if he acknowledges he did this, I might be willing to negotiate on that” – it’s about restoring some sort of balance. We often need an apology in order to forgive someone. But is that really going to help you move on and help your mental state?

When someone has done some wrong to you, you don’t have control over it. However, you can get some control back when you start to think about how you will deal with it and which way you want to go

We all have a human need of feeling at peace, having closure, being able to move on mentally and being content – this is what brings us inner peace and calmness. We all have the capacity for forgiveness and generosity – it comes from a place of strength is something that’s inside us all, it’s about the mindset, as with most things.

Forgiveness can be one of the most important tools for people to be able to move forward with their lives.

As Mahatma Gandhi said: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong”